Mother Mother

My mom pisses me off. I rarely have interactions with her where I don't end up sulking or being an asshole. I think it's because:

1. She treats me like a child--just now I told her I was flying off to KL next week. she told me to make sure I ate fruits and veggies and limit my meat intake. She texts every night at around 10PM to ask where I am. 30 years old and I still can't take care of myself on anything--that's the message I take out all the time. I know this is common for a lot of people and I will just have to accept, if not embrace it. Also, should learn not to hinge my self-esteem on how others perceive me.

2. Forces me to commit on plans--now this is really petty and selfish but still...I hate how she always asks me what my plans are the next day. To be honest, I like to have some flexibility especially on weekends to do what I feel. This isn't possible when you're suddenly committed to drive her somewhere at 2 PM, or to have dinner in the other side of the city.

3. Can ask really silly questions--grrr can get so kulit at times. frustrating also how she can't get the hang of any gadget, including her phone.

4. Can say anything straight to my face--always has a complicated roundabout, parinig way of saying what she really thinks. This so goes against my own "let's get to the point" mentality.

Now I feel guilty for thinking of my mom this way...

out of commission

ugh...i feel sick...head hurts, fever, malaise...must have been the overtraining over the weekend.

Black and White

My personal insecurities:

1. Body issues--always been too skinny; now I'm too skinny with a belly and lovehandles
2. Face--hate my chinese eyes, small nose, big lips, bad skin
3. Lousy at anything athletic
4. Don't have a lot of friends. Nothing sadder than going straight home from work on a Friday
5. Zero lovelife.

Things I should rather focus on:

1. I'm smart
2. I'm not fugly
3. The chinito thing appeals to a small, albeit very specific segment
4. Financially independent
5. I can make people laugh
6. I can command attention in presentations
7. I'm good at what I do

Envy

I have a friend who seems to have everything:
1. Great career-doctor
2. Wonderful family relationship
3. Great, seemingly-perfect relationship
4. Athletic and "a great catch"
5. Popular with lots of friends

I know I should just count my blessings but fuck, I feel really jealous.

Anyway, I had a great videoke night with J&J folks. I SERIOUSLY got into it, obviously releasing a lot of angst by singing songs like "Plush" and "All Apologies." Had 5 beers but just a minor buzz--damn I'm getting immune to it!

It's a little sad how hungry I am for these type of escapist activities. Really shows how repressed I am. Lately, I've also had a strange obsession with house music and am craving to go to a club to get drunk (get high?) and DANCE!!!! Unfortunately, haven't found anyone who would go with me :(

Fuck I have to be a mass reader for a friend's wedding tom in 6 hours and haven't slept a wink!

Grrrrr

Got really pissed today with this HR assistant who forgot to tell me that my scheduled interview for project assistants were cancelled. Grrrr! Really hate inefficiency! Clearly another sign of my need for control, which to be honest, I don't think is all that bad. I just don't understand why people can't be considerate enough to do what they promise. How can people expect me to be all happy, happy, smiley when they can't even do their work well?

As life coach Myra would say, I'm too hard on myself and expect others to live up to unrealistic expectations. How can informing me of changes in sched be unrealistic? Isn't that just plain courtesy?

Tat Thoughts

Seriously thinking of getting a tat. I just hope it's not because I'm still trying to shed off my good chinese schoolboy image after more than 10 years. Worse, I may be dreading the big 3 0 !

Dunno what to get though. I find native or tribal scripts so cliche. Chinese characters are out of the question as I will seriously look too Yakuza.

One good thing though is that I'm not scared of the pain. Anyone who goes to the derma regularly will agree :)

I'm thinking of an inspiring latin word or phrase like "a posse ad esse" -- from possibility to actuality. Taray!

Ouchie

Strained my lower back doing power cleans yesterday at the gym...damn...so no yoga today. Back hurts so bad I can't even bend through the waist so I end up squatting just to pick something up from the floor. Still, was a very good boy and went running in UP at 7 AM today (!) despite the pain. Did pretty well. Ran for 20 mins straight with no break (1.5 laps), then ran another 15 mins and then another 10 (couldn't resist the kwek kwek na! heheh). Ended up doing almost 3 laps. Yey! Although I found out from ever reliable Francine that the oval is 2.2km and not 3.2kms. Damn. So I only did 6km+ in 50 mins! That sucks!

After which, I went to Fitness Ortigas to take a shower and killed time in Starbucks til I met my folks for lunch in Shang. Starbucks was wonderfully quiet and deserted, except for 1 group that seemed to be doing some kind of sharing. While reading my pseudo intellectual infinitely boring book, I sorta overheard their discussion which seemed very fascinating. What I could surmise was that they set specific life goals and would meet regularly to update and assess where they are in terms of achieving them. You start off talking about what you've accomplished this week and then the group would give their support by clarifying, affirming, or even questioning your actions. I loved the fact that they had everything written down/documented which made it all seem very clear and accountable. The facilitator seemed to really know what she was doing, asking really tough but helpful questions to help you process your thoughts.

I want to start something like this with my friends...or at the very least, join a support group like this. JC mentioned to us that he recently reviewed his 10 year plan which he made 10 years ago, and he realized he hasn't fulfilled any of his goals, except for getting married!

Will really start working on my 10 year plan seriously now. But I first need to figure out what my mission/vision is!